Life. Sometimes it sucks, sometimes you wish it would go on forever. You get over things, you forget things, but it never stops changing.
Four years ago, I never thought I would own two horses. Heck, I was ready to get rid of the one I had.
Two years ago, after Miss B came into my life, I never though I would sell her. Never. But now I have.
For the past year I've been wondering things. Things like, would I be able to do more with Holly if Miss B wasn't in the picture? Would it be better if she just 'went away'? I quickly squashed those thoughts out of my head. There was no way I could sell her. She was my responsibility. I didn't want to ride her, but it was no fault of her own. I had pushed her to the edge, she pushed back. She scared me, and I scarred her (not physically, but still). I made her afraid of the saddle! How horrible is that? I vowed I would overcome it, I would make up to her for every time I had miss-used her, intentionally or not. And I started to, I really did. I worked with her in the round pen, I resigned myself to letting go of any goals I had for her, and eventually I just let her be in the pasture, with me there to feed, and gently communicate with every day. But, I never wanted to ride her again. I was happy with the relationship we had. When she would see me, she would bow and yawn (Holly too) and relax. I wondered if that was only because I wasn't making them do anything. Because I was just letting them be horses with no interference from me. I was terrified that if I tried working with (lunging, riding) her again, it would damage the relationship we had. I never wanted her to go back to being stressed by the very sight of the saddle, never wanted her to be so upset that she had to slam me into a wall to get me to realize it like she had to before.
Miss B has so much more potential and bravery than to just be a pasture ornament. She doesn't have conformation for anything like reigning, or dressage, or gymkhana, and don't even get me started on jumping. But, she can cross loud flowing rivers that are over chest deep without a single pause. She can truck over deadfall and through closely crowded underbrush like it's not even there. She even once stood without flinching while a herd of bison charged her from the other side of a fence (not with me on, thank goodness, but before I got her). She is so brave. Almost too brave, because she gets so strong sometimes. And I respect her for that, but I also fear her for it. There, I admitted it. I am scared of her. Before, I was scared that if I rode her, she would get "out of hand" and I wouldn't be able to control her. Lately, I've been scared of that, and on top of it, that she would hate me for doing it.
So, I confided in the one person that truly understands my position with my horses, Cindy. She listened to my predicament, and finally came to a conclusion. She knows I don't want to do anything with Miss B, and that she's hindering me from doing anything with Holly because they're buddy sour. She also knows that I would never be able to sell her to just anybody. So, Cindy said she would buy Miss B back, and put her talents to good use as a trail horse like she was before. And I accepted. God forgive me, I accepted.
I knew I would back out of the decision if something wasn't done quickly, so the same day, Cindy came to give me a lesson, and then she would take back Miss B. In that lesson, I rode Holly for the first time since November. And it was the best ride we've ever had together. Something just clicked, and I knew I'd made the right descion.
Both Holly and I will miss Miss B (well, we already do), but we will be better for it. I will have more time to work with Holly without any outside distractions. Miss B will be able to live up to her potential and have a job to do. Also, I know she has a great home, and I can visit her whenever I want, maybe even ride her.
Miss B has been gone for less than a week, but already I've been progressing with Holly farther than I have in our entire life together. It's like the way life was before Miss B, except that I've learned so much, and I can deal with many of the things that Holly may throw at me. I've made goals, and plans, and I'm setting myself and Holly up to achieve them. (One of my goals is to update this blog regularly!)
I know plans change, life changes. But without change, there is no progress. It's very hard (to let go of Miss B, to work through my fears with Holly, to move forward), but I can do it. Holly and I can do it together. Miss B has been a curve in the road of The Journey, but one I have learned so much from. So, down the road I continue, with only one horse by my side.